A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”
The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and starts shaking him.
The big guy says, “What's wrong with you?” In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”
The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me….. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!"
At last a guy has taken the time to write down this all. Finally, the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note..
1. Men ARE not mind reader
2. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
3. Crying is blackmail.
4. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
5. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
6. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
7. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
9. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys..
10. If something we said can be interpret in two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
11. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
12. Whenever possible , Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
15. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
16. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear
17. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, cars, bikes or games
18. You have enough clothes.
19. You have too many shoes.
20. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Three men went to hell.
The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"
He then opened the doors to the three rooms.
Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.
Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.
Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.
The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.
They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."
Once upon a time there was an island where all the feelings lived; happiness, sadness, knowledge, and all the others, including love. One day it was announced to all of the feelings that the island was going to sink to the bottom of the ocean. So all the feelings prepared their boats to leave. Love was the only one that stayed. She wanted to preserve the island paradise until the last possible moment.
When the island was almost totally under, love decided it was time to leave. She began looking for someone to ask for help. Just then Richness was passing by in a grand boat. Love asked, "Richness, can I come with you on your boat?"
Richness answered, " I'm sorry, but there is a lot of silver and gold on my boat and there would be no room for you anywhere."
Then Love decided to ask Vanity for help who was passing in a beautiful vessel.Love cried out, "Vanity, help me please." "I can't help you", Vanity said, " You are all wet and will damage my beautiful boat."
Next, Love saw Sadness passing by. Love said, " Sadness, please let me go with you." Sadness answered, "Love, I'm sorry, but, I just need to be alone now."
Then, Love saw Happiness. Love cried out, " Happiness, please take me with you." But Happiness was so overjoyed that he didn't hear Love calling to him.
Love began to cry. Then, she heard a voice say, "Come Love, I will take you with me." It was an elder.
Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that she forgot to ask the elder his name.
When they arrived on land the elder went on his way. Love realized how much she owed the elder. Love then found Knowledge and asked, "Who was it that helped me?" "It was Time", Knowledge answered. "But why did Time help me when no one else would?", Love asked. Knowledge smiled and with deep wisdom and sincerity, answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."